That’s it. I jump.
I have been ‘here’ a few times before, but chickened out. This time, it’s for real.
Yes, I am suicidal. Yes, I want to kill ‘me’. It’s time. A bit overdue even.
Now before you call any emergency-number, sit put, and read on.
It’s perfect timing, the MasterKey course is starting again, and it is my 3d time around. Oh yes I have made massive changes since I threw myself in the first time. It was ‘all or nothing’ for me. Dot it, or stop living entirely. But….. some things kept ‘nagging’, and I could not really figure out why. Climbed very, very high, into bliss and sheer ecstasy…. clouds nine and above… but for some reason it was not ‘sustainable’, although overall I was quite solidly ‘settled’ up-there….. something still felt ’empty’ and ‘un-supported’.
Fought hard with myself, was about to throw everything out of the window…. but one thing I have learned is that ‘as without, so within’…. and I knew that I was pretending not to know, not te see…. so I kept aiming high again…. and looking in the mirror of my ‘outside’ world to see what it was reflecting about my inner world.
Boy, it took a while. But there you go….. I got it…. somehow in the ‘outer world’ I got myself into a ‘living lie’… in a state of ‘being denied’, ‘not allowed to exist, really’, …. Well, ‘obviously’ (but I needed to get on a really high tower, standing really really tall to get enough perspective to see that…) I myself am still denying me my existence, on a very subtle level, still trapped in my own lie, still pretending not to feel or to know or desire what I truly feel, know and desiremy complete Truth. My purpose for living even. I still was (am) living out of fear on that very subtle level. Fear of not being able to ‘incarnate’ all the bliss and ecstasy I have tasted, of ‘not being strong enough’ for that, still somehow fear that I do not deserve it, that I am not worth it (gosh….. still… yes, it may be only 1 frequency in 1 chord here that is ‘off’, out of tune, but that’s enough to kind of ruin the whole symphony) and most of all… fear that if I truly would finally completely step into my true Self, my true Power, that yes, I may have to leave some people and circumstances behind… so… still some attachment-issues going on there too…. STILL not loving myself enough …. and therefor unable to truly love anyone else.
So yes, this time, I jump. I have tried to kill ‘this’, the ‘false me’ before, but I failed because I did not get high enough to be able to jump deep enough —- metaphorically speaking. I wasn’t strong enough yet to go to the root of roots, yet.
But as it so rightly says: “Truth is like a surgery. It hurts but cures. Lie is like a pain killer. It gives instant relief but has side effects forever.” It’s poison.
And yes, by living my own lie, I lie to everyone else. Yes, some people will ‘get hurt’ when I finally am True, and yes it seems so much better and easier to sustain the lie to ‘save them’ from that…. but, that in itself is maybe the biggest lie of all. You see, a lie does not stop being there just because you try to cover it up or pretend it is not there. And as a matter of fact, since we all are interconnected on subconscious level, everyone else knows it’s there all the time, on that subconscious level, impacting all relationships all the time on a very subtle and ‘creepy’ level… you will most definitely be lied to as well even if not ‘intendedly’ … and WHAT a massively exhausting waste of energy it takes to keep the lie(s) going …. and so by living a lie, you already ARE hurting everyone around you.
So just as well that lie you so effectively try to cover up for yourself all the time has been effecting you all along, poisoning you and exhausting you and preventing you from being truly happy, ALIVE, thriving and loving (and loved …. because the one that may have been loved was not ‘You’….or ‘Me’…. so, ouch… goes for all of us…). As well as everyone else.
So by opening up to the truth, all dynamics can finally change for the better, after some initial ‘trauma’. All can be ‘un-poisened’, and the doorways to true happiness, bliss and true Love can finally open up, for everyone…. You must not only “allow the armor of fear to be stripped from you until you are naked before the world”, but more so: you must strip inside, until you are completely naked and ‘raw’ inside, not the slightest veil left in between you and your soul…. so the raw core and nothing else reflects back in the mirror. True Beauty. My aim. Why else would I live?
I may be talking in riddles to some of you, but actually I think if you think deeper, and have the courage to truly reflect on it, you may find this to be quite universal….
And even if I hit only one string somewhere deep-down-hidden in ONE heart….. that’s all it takes to create a healing ripple-effect…. Once that string starts ringing and singing in tune again…..So, I invite you to jump too….Discover and show your True radiant, vibrant colors, let us hear your True SoulSong. And I will be only too happy and over the moon with joy to meet you and finally truly encounter you in truth and bliss, and thrive somewhere over that rainbow…. yes, you know where that is…. I know for a fact that you too have been longing and craving for this since a long, long time. And by doing so, freeing up everyone that is kept hostage in the common living lie.
Be the Alchemist of your life, allow for the Magic to happen, allow for the Magic to Be.
Immensely GrateFuel for yet another magnificent lesson learned.