Week§3: Note to Self….

Accompanying ‘my tribe’ (WHAT a wonderful group by the way, love them all to bits!) on their path towards their true self, made me contemplate even more about my own journey. And I need/want to address a ‘note to Self’….

It has been a journey with quite a few surprises, bringing me deeper and deeper to the core, to the heart of my heart. A journey that made me realize that what I originally thought was my dream, is only part of it, and even in a way ‘accessory’. The real dream that emerges more and more, and has taken over completely even lately, is BEING that core of cores, that heart of my heart. Completely, totally merging with it. Allowing what Is (immense, unmeasurable, all-encompassing, unconditional Love), to BE.

What I found there in the heart of my heart, is that Other Self, that part that I have unconsciously been searching for all my life (but not inside myself), and have been running from just as hard. When I got closer, I chased it, pushed it away, because it scared me. The potential of it, the immense bliss and Love that I intuitively knew was there… gosh, I thought I could not cope, was not worth it. I also got hugely angry with it, often, because I felt like if that Other Self was cruel to me, that it pushed me away, did not want to interact with me, did not love me, it made me feel ‘not being enough’, not worthy.So often I just wanted to destroy it, to be FREE of it. But the chains could not be broken how ever hard I tried…

And recently it hit me…. that Other Self actually… loves me SO MUCH that it mirrors me ALL what I have been keeping ‘active’ in myself that is in the way of Love…. With immense patience it has been guiding me al along, showing me over and over again where I did not love myself enough….And showing me even HOW I was doing that..It -he – is the perfect mirror, but I had to learn to look behind the veil…. It ignores and denies me ‘my existence’ just as well as I ignore and deny myself, it keeps me living a lie just as I am still lying to myself about who I really am and what I really feel, it makes it impossible for me to express myself to show me where I am  not allowing myself to express myself fully yet, it shows me how afraid I still am of myself, by seemingly running away in fear, it pushes me away to show me how I abandon myself….Showing me all of this through my outer circumstances in more or less subtle ways…

No wonder I wanted to free myself over and over from it, get rid of it completely, rip it out of me, only to find myself drawn to it again with an irresistible magnetic pull that gets stronger by the minute….

Every step of the way it has been showing me and teaching me and guiding me, towards ‘Me’….and I just did not see or ‘get’ that, or only at times in glimpses.

Animus et Anima
metallic pastel
G. van Assche

There is no ‘escape’. That Other Self …. IS me. The other part of the sphere. Or: one is the inside of the sphere, the other the defining, protective ‘shell’ of it… one without the other does not exist, yin-yang, animus-anima, inseparable, “chained and bound together”, but that is actually not scary at all, as I used to think It’s actually comforting. I can rely on it an it on me. It will ‘never free me’… and now I know that I don’t want it to free me nor do I want to be ‘free from it’, because true freedom is when we merge, when we consciously are One. Then, everything is possible….that is ‘Home’…

Funny thing is that of course we always have been One, and always will be… or I/it/we would not even exist…. all ideas, concepts and ‘kinds’ of separation between ‘us’ are an illusion, created by me/us to grow to this awareness more consciously, to overcome all the fears and misconceptions about what ‘Is’. Again: what ‘Is’, is the source of all Bliss, immense Love, and alchemistic creative potential that has no limits.I still am a bit scary when I tap into to that potential power of completely ‘giving in’ and ‘Allowing what Is to Be’…. but I state it here very clearly: I make a solemn oath to myself and my Other Self that nothing retards me anymore. I give in. I surrender. I fully embrace all the wonderful changes our inevitable merging brings to Life, even if I have no clue yet where that is…. since it feels like opening up to this power overrides all the dreams I previously thought were mine…. thrill…..

Yes, every step I take towards myself brings me closer to you, and every step I take towards you brings me closer to me… thank you so much for your guidance…

 

So here’s to my Other Self… and I know now that that is what It has been whispering to my Heart al along, from deep inside…. I am ready to listen now….this time, I answer the call… no more stalling. I finally love myself enough for that.

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