Week 18: My Ruby
I’m in absolute awe with how the infinite intelligence operates according to the way every individual functions.
(note: this is a LONG blog ….. you might need some more time than usual …. sorry about that, but it had to be done…. 😉 …. so thanks for staying with me till the end!)
Beginning this week a door opened in my mind giving access to an insight about a mechanism that may well be the very root of my issues in life so far. A MAJOR breakthrough, and as the week evolved I started to see, observe and feel the vast root-system that it has developed throughout all areas of my life and functioning, so nooooo, I’m not done digging yet….. but still, WHAT a difference.
And what I am SO amazed about, is the way I unconsciously programmed and timed this SO wonderfully well within the MasterKey and Haanel’s lessons, as well as how deliciously that infinite intelligence used the very symbolical and metaphorical ways that my personal mind likes to operate in, to bring me to that door and, at last, open it.
As you can read in my week 13 I already discovered the incredible unconscious intelligence that made me intuitively pick my shapes when we had to attribute them to our PPNs.
Now, turned out this goes actually WAY deeper than I initially thought.
Topic: one of my PPNs, Recognition for Creative Expression, which I represented with the red circle —- so now think: a Ruby. Yes, the stone. This I did not think about at first, and I will come back to it later.
And here I would like you to watch this video first, it’s in french, but subtitled in english. Think ‘gal and guy in glass’…….
I will come back to it later as well.
Although this PPN was very clearly and strongly picked, especially knowing that I’m an artist to the core, it also has created tension inside me from very early on, that gradually grew until it became almost unbearable last week.
So of course, over and over I questioned it, if it was the right one, if I made the right affirmations, I questioned ‘my path’, my DMP, I questioned the for me inconceivable ‘link’ with both the Law of Giving (‘if I need — want.. — recognition for giving my creative expression, then I am NOT giving without reciprocity?! HOW can this be a genuine PPN then….?) and the Law of Growth (‘if I am constantly repeating and focussing on ‘needing’ recognition, it is the ‘need’ for it that will grow (which I seemed to experience), so when can this ever be ‘fulfilled’?) However hard I stretched my mind, I could not figure it out.
And OF COURSE I practiced the ‘give more get more’: giving recognition to others. OF COURSE I could understand that, at least for composers, real recognition for their music may come only after they’re gone, no problem (oh, well …. 😀 ), or that it can come ‘in other ways’, but for a professional performing artist, the recognition has to be ‘instant’, because the income is directly related to that, so I would prefer it not to come ‘after I’m gone’ 😀 😀 …..
But other than that, what was becoming quite unlivable for me was that I observed that I was ‘after recognition’ not only for my art, but for everything I wrote, said, did,…… well, yes: for who I AM …. since I figured out that I am the creative expression of ‘myself’….. and never seemed to really get it …. djeeeeeezsssss…….. this was NEVER going to work…… I could see no beginning nor end anymore in this story …. you can picture a ‘Snake biting it’s own tail’– kind of Dragon, that was only growing and GROWING …. and kind of suffocating me in the process….
Enters My Ruby.
OF COURSE (what did you think 😉 ) ‘I took IT into a sit’ … well, numerous sits 😀
And suddenly the huge red circle popped up. But did not stay ‘circle’, it became a sphere, and the word ‘ruby’ came to my mind. Now I have always been fascinated by minerals, and used them sometimes very intuitively without really knowing a lot about it. But a ruby was never one of them, I actually kind of had an aversion to it (funny, haha, you will understand this aversion at the end of the story 😉 ). But in those sits, it became almost an obsession, I was ‘bathing’ in it almost. And interestingly enough, on one occasion, suddenly the sphere was not red, but blue …..
So I looked it up: what is the symbolical meaning of a ruby? What is it used for?
And I stumbled on….. of course, the crown jewels. And in a blink I saw the link with my emblem (see week 13) that I am ‘working with’ to anchor everything I learn and discover in the course: a golden crown (yellow….) with rubies (red circle), emerald, (green…) and sapphire (blue ….) — and diamond being white. Kings wore those crowns because they believed that the power of those stones would become theirs.
So ruby is one of them, and, most importantly for me: in early times, (old India) the ruby was seen as the first stone, from which all other gems were born. Oh…..? How does this relate to me?
When trying to figure out why it appeared ‘blue’ once, which in my books stands for that other PPN ‘Autonomy’ ……… hmmmm…… how were the need for recognition and autonomy linked……?
Suddenly I felt that, in my enthuuuuuuusiasm 😉 I was not saying ‘I need’ with the feeling of ‘simply’ I need something, but charged with what in Dutch (and French for that matter) is a completely different word, so I did not notice my ‘mistake’ for all those months — : ‘I am NEEDY’, yes, CRAVING for. I felt quite dizzy for a while, physically, like if I suddenly was suffering from concussion.
I checked in the Alliances about the english ‘I need’ and ‘needy’ ….. only to be confirmed AND Daniel (who I am SO grateful to for answering me) pointed out this ‘needy’ being a state of ‘never having enough’ even if it IS there (that, I had not thought about until then. Thanks so much for the Alliance 🙂 )
And KADZZIIIINNNNGGGG …. that’s EXACTLY how I felt…… and when digging a bit deeper I figured out WHY the ‘give more get more’ was ‘not’ working: yes, I was giving recognition….. but, with my insight of last week in mind about being ‘false’, suddenly I saw that what I gave was actually very often (slightly) ‘hollow’, because…. it simply came from a hollow place ….
… you can not give what you don’t have: I never gave recognition to myself, for simply being me, I did not HAVE it ….
I could not, because from very young I was conditioned that I was never ‘enough’, started to believe that and from as long as I remember was ‘shaving’ and ‘chiseling’ desperately to be accepted, throwing myself in the trash-bin over and over again, on a sometimes very subtle level (jeezzz I thought I had dealt with that over the years, but this thing was rooted deeper than I ever imagined…..I did not understand yet that it was about ‘true recognition’ ….)
And of course, this happens in week 18, Haanel never used the word ‘recognition’ as much before….. 😀 …. ‘the recognition of the self as an individualization of the Universal Intelligence’….. with innate right to exist, to simply be, in your very own unique way (hi, Og 😉 ), no need to ‘earn it’ in whatever way, and with the power to create………
Enters the ‘blue ruby’ (blue: PPN: autonomy) : I had to autonomously CREATE and develop recognition for myself, give myself permission to give it to myself, AND to learn to receive and accept it, from myself and others.
Because of course it has been there all around all the time, I just could not accept it.
And, very important: I suddenly saw how in the past almost always I subconsciously managed to create circumstances and thoughts/feelings/behaviors to ensure me NOT to get the recognition I was after/needed. Yes, I got praised, and yes I have accomplished a LOT, also very extraordinary things, but I nearly ALWAYS managed to ‘fail’ at least in my own eyes, mess up something, so that even when recognition came, I simply could not — in my eyes rightfully — accept it fully ‘because I actually messed up what I REALLY wanted to give/deliver — or ‘circumstances’ made it impossible ….’ (haha, exactly THAT mechanism brought me ‘to my knees’ last sunday, made me live a horrible moment of ‘failure’….. that actually I am SO grateful for because having to dive in it SO deep was exactly what I needed to ‘see’ and ‘turn it around’….. thanks, Old Blue-Print 🙂 ….) …. or …. I seemed to be simply ‘not noticed’ ….. (this particularly started to appear much more frequently lately….) but hey, I NEVER REALLY NOTICED MY REAL SELF, so…… yes, I secretly had an ‘aversion’ to it, so I managed to not ‘having to get it’ …. 🙂
Now I see all of that was ‘only’ a mask hiding the REAL reason that I could not receive it: I did not recognize myself. And you can not get what you don’t already have…..
So now back to the ‘Gal’n’Guy in Glass’-video: this appeared a few days ago on my facebook (again, PERFECT timing): suddenly I saw and realized:
when we started saying ‘I love you’ to the gal in the mirror (and I had actually started that already a few months prior to the course) I meant it, or better: I thought I said it to ME and meant it…. !
But: no, I said it to my ‘higher’ self, or future self (unconsciously of course), and meant it –(remember the guy in the video saying it first to the reflection of the lady…..) and it occurs to me now that ONLY NOW I am starting to say it to myself, because only now I recognize that there IS someone else in that mirror: ‘me’ as I am NOW, and WITH my past INCLUDED…..
My Ruby is doing it’s work: giving me the first power, of which all others are born: love, true recognizing, all embracing love.
And oh, little miracle: ‘by coincidence’ I only recently reconnected with a cousin of mine, who also only recently suddenly discovered some old video-tapes of family-feasts, he told me I was in there too and that he would send me some… and TODAY, when the whole chunk is finally starting to really sink in and is getting digested, he sent me this little video. According to the dress I must have been just about 4 years old.
And yes, Janus, looking back and forward at the same time, all exists in the same time:
when I saw it my heart burst open. Suddenly I recognized (as in : ‘An awareness that something perceived has been perceived before’) a very important chunk of, actually: ‘my essence’, that I am actually working on and developing now because I attributed it to (want it to be part of ) Futur’Selfie….. light, bright, joyful, playful, interacting, generous, giving and taking, ‘in the moment’, enjoying …. (even if already at those times life was not all roses…… but still this part was intact at least at that moment in time…..) …so now I have the PERFECT feeling tho replace whatever negative thought with …. 🙂 … hello Laws of Dual Thought and Substitution 🙂
I also saw “The Art of ‘Failing‘ Gracefully” ….. 😉 …..