Week 19: I EnJoy.
I am in awe.
Still. Again. Constantly. About just about everything.
— I have to admit that I had a hard time ‘staying in my skin’ last week ….. for pure joy …. felt like ‘bubbling over’ constantly, my energies where (still are a bit) kind of ‘playing trampoline underneath my skin’ all the time 😀 .. never ever had so much ‘trouble’ doing my sits…. (still managed though, luckily my Franklin-virtue was ‘discipline’…. SURE chose THAT one VERY well-timed too 😀 )
My last week’s discovery really is turning things around. I suddenly see an understand SO much mechanisms in ‘my ways’ that were messing things up on all kinds of levels and in all kinds of magnitudes in my existence.
Like this creepy ‘thingie’ for example …. :
…. I only now suddenly feel being ABLE to add in the ‘financial compartment’ ( 😉 ) of my DMP that I earn the sum I like to earn by SERVING THE WORLD TO MY BEST POSSIBILITIES using all my talents and skills.
I didn’t even notice that was missing, because: I actually secretly felt unable to ‘give’ and ‘serve’ , because I seemed to have the conviction that since I had nothing to give anyway (inside it was ‘empty’…) if I DID give, it would be ‘by saving bread that I didn’t even have out of my own mouth’…. and I actually felt (secretly) that whatever I was doing here on earth was just trying to ‘secure me at least a little spot to exist’ because I could not ‘not exist’ how ever hard I would try. That’s not a place to ‘give from’….. annnnddd ….the creepy thingie behind this behavior? Secretly I felt that giving others the possibility to become ‘bigger’ would even more reduce my own space.
I actually felt threatened by mu own innate generosity….VERY secretly, of course,….but yep, I was STUCK in this….
(gloooopppsssss and djeezzesssss….. but that’s apparently how it functioned down there WAY deep and VERY unconsciously and NOT AT ALL ‘in tune’ with who I REALLY am. Boy do I understand a LOT about what did not work in my life now….)
Luckily my true self still was just a tiny bit stronger than this conviction so most of the time I DID manage to give a compliment, a reinforcement, some money if I had some to give, help in any way that was asked — often spontaneously, and yes sometimes I ‘forced’ myself into doing so because I felt that I ‘had to’ — but if I’m honest to the bone: afterwards I almost always felt bad about myself, very subtly. Why? I only just figured this out: because I would get angry at myself that by doing and giving what I did (helping someone else becoming ‘more’, ‘better’, ‘bigger’, …), I just made life for myself even more difficult and there would be almost a panicking feeling of ‘so what about me now….? help! Soon I REALLY will end up without any ‘space’ at all …. WHY the heck did I just DO that?’ (aaaargghhhhh…… but OK, I understand now…..) ….. and a few more ‘issues of that kind’, all rooted in this one ‘recognition-issue’…. so I also understand much better now the ‘being false’ – issue of week 17a ….
But… relief!!!….. since I started to fill myself with the essence of my ‘little me’ in that video, and started using my power to CREATE what I really needed — that recognition for who I am — and stating over and over again that I allowed myself to give it to myself AND to receive and accept it, I gradually started to feel ABLE to SIMPLY give, whatever….. WHAT a relief…. WHAT a great feeling ….. this really is ‘my key’ that gradually is unlocking myself now. Yippeee 🙂
And also since last week I started understanding this: (thanks Haanel!)
What do we give? Thought. What do we get? Thought.
So anyway: it doesn’t really matter so much WHAT it is you give or receive…. we set the universal mind in motion with our thoughts, and we are power-houses that can use our individual minds to transform any thought-energy that we GET (even if it would be –perceived as a –‘negative’ one…..) into the frequency that we need at any given moment. IF we use our minds ‘correctly’. We decide. (well, we CAN 😉 ). And so we can also GIVE whatever it is that is needed at any time, even if we don’t feel like ‘having’ what is ‘needed’. ‘Just’ giving attention, giving it thought, will provide the energy and motion that can be transformed into whatever it is that is needed.
That, by the way, sounds to me now like ‘True Autonomy’. (hi there, PPN that I still did not completely understand — and I only now understand that I didn’t….. 😀 …. )
Suddenly my health is improving a lot too. This ‘True Autonomy’ that I finally ‘recognize‘ (!!) and start to use is also intrinsically linked to, and now fed by, my ‘True Recognition’ (see last week) and is now definitely transforming old, deeply hidden emotions and stuck (unconscious) convictions (all ‘thought-patterns’) that were buried in my tissues which led to a few ‘health-issues’. And so this transformation is now also coming to the physical level… hello ‘True Health’ … ! 🙂 … and oh, yesssss!: I am finally regaining my technique on my instrument, and some things are even already going better than ever before!!!! I am REALLY over the moon with joy about that! AND GRATEFUL!!! 🙂 🙂
And this week, oh symbolically ….. ON my birthday (49, by the way, and oh, one day before I had an intuition to re-read Haanel 16 …. about ‘the sevens’…. so yes, I am entering a complete new cycle…… WAW WAW WAW, my timing in this course, and even DOING this course THIS year, is BRILLIANT — even if I say so myself … 😀 ) but so on my birthday I felt a completely new energy and insight bubbling up:
already for a while I had altered the ‘mantra’ into ‘I am HERE, NOW, whole, perfect, etc’, because I definitely needed to ‘incarnate’ more into ‘now’… and so suddenly I noticed myself reciting in my head, and sincerely FEELING it: ‘I ENJOY being here, now, whole, perfect etc’.
I could not believe my own thoughts when I noticed, and was very surprised by this feeling I did not even really know. Well, of course I ‘kind of’ enjoyed my life and stuff, but it hit me that, no, actually I NEVER EVER before REALLY enjoyed it, never ‘felt entitled to do so’, heartfelt, to the bone, INside my bones.
Finally, I’m here.
I enjoy my wonderful, magical mind, I enjoy my amazingly performing body,
I ENJOY BEING ME.
…… I enjoy BEING.
(now THAT is even a bigger and deeper insight and revelation to me than last week’s….)
And now for the very first time, I REALLY feel that yes, everything IS possible, ALSO FOR ME. It’s not even a ‘belief’ anymore. It is TRUE. It is REAL. Enjoy! 🙂