Week 20: Quitting the Drama
Interesting week. (well, what’s new…. 😉 ….)
It has been mainly a time to incubate all the insights of the last few weeks, and to continue ‘downloading’ the new energies and ‘state of feeling, of being’ that came and come with them.
Very fascinating that then exactly this week we also got this assignment about the ‘tools to expand’ that made me dive even deeper in the subject of using feelings like Fear, Hurt Feelings, Anger, Guilt and/or Unworthiness on the road towards more completeness, towards deeper insight in the human soul, and into some of ‘my ways’ that are dimming away, but still sometimes very subtly have a way of wanting to take over the steering-wheel — and at times manage to succeed, still, hmmmm…..grrrr….. 😀 ….. OK, dig-dig-dig…. 😀
Lucky me, my Franklin-virute of the week being ‘self-control’ really was extremely useful, and spot-ont-timed again (thankssss!!!! 🙂 ) not to get ‘side-wayed’ during the process or at least ‘pulling me back on track’ sooner and sooner every time.
I actually really LOVE the process. And as to that expression ‘going through the emotion’ (really feel everything there is to feel in it, while staying alert to learn and not to get ‘swallowed’ by it): yes, those emotions, they ARE ‘doors’ (‘corridors’): if you ‘go through’, and not see them as a ‘wall’ that holds you back (and keeps you ‘imprisoned’ in them) you really go through ‘a door into a NEW REALITY’, you enter a reality where that particular emotion is NOT present anymore, the veil has fallen off and it is replaced with all the insights and wisdom and richness that the initial emotion ‘was keeping from and for you’ (the other side of the coin, the other polarity of the spectrum). That ‘treasure’ was just waiting for you to use your MasterKey(s), and ‘unlock’ their true potential, so that the energy can transform and expand and flow into your consciousness, thus making that even ‘more complete’ (because more ‘aware’).
—– the ‘what am I pretending not to kn-Ow(n)?’ issue.
To me all those emotions are each ‘just’ the other side of a coin, and actually already for a long time I have trained myself and learned to actually like to ‘go inside’ them, really feel them to the point where they reveal ‘their other side’. For me it’s all about ‘stuck’, ‘frozen’ energy that I for some reason ‘refuse’ to really face for what it is. A long overdue wrong conviction, wrong thinking, a blindness to some of my own (ego)-mechanisms, a trauma that wasn’t healed because I could not see that I myself was the one making true healing impossible because, for example, it suited me better to be a victim (secretly of course, and often and for a long time unconsciously). So: the origin of all those emotions was already there, inside, and ‘simply’ gets triggered (seemingly ‘created’) from time to time by seemingly outward events. And yes, I’m not done yet…. 😀 …..
But hey, those events: I create them myself also mostly unconsciously, because that better part of me (‘I’) wants to relentlessly confront me (‘i’) with those hidden, dark parts in order to (finally) really heal them.
So: ‘I’ will poke them over and over again until finally ‘i’ will ‘get it’ – (notice the difference between ‘I’ –my higher self, or soul — and ‘i’ : the ego, the head detached from the heart, the one using ‘will-power’ to force her own little ‘wants!!‘ out of the universal mind and laws using often extremely vicious, manipulative and creepy ways….
…. those ‘wants!!‘ the ego thinks it needs to hide and cover up something inside that repeatedly has been ‘brushed under the carpet’ and therefor ‘got stuck’ into fear, anger or whatever else.
But for a long time already I am dedicated to get this out, root’n’all. And I am SO grateful that I got into the MasterKey, because this REALLY is (finally) teaching me how to get into the smallest corners that before seemed to be ‘out of reach’. And when I dive into to the core of any negative emotion that arises for whatever reason, the nature of the ‘negative’ feeling tells me what exactly it is that I’m ignoring about myself (hurt feelings….), where I am not respecting myself (anger and /or fear as a response….), where I have been not completely honest with myself (guilt ….), neglected myself (unworthiness) or have not been honoring myself, or whatever else, and if I really get to the root also ‘why’.
All those inner attitudes towards myself lower some parts of my ‘vibration’, ‘freezes’ part of my energy, revealed in those ‘negative’ emotions, that get projected unto some outward event or trigger.
So I dive in them (in a sit or dance or music or, if I’m lucky while they arise….) in a state of ‘being the observer, being prepared to look beyond the veil, using self-control not to get sucked in’, and once I get ‘to the bottom’, ‘the coin switches’, the energies flow (again), and thus expand the ‘me’ I was before.
And oh, it really is amazing, ‘me and my wonderful coincidences and miraculous timings’ in this course:
listen to this piece on my SoundCloud that I made a few years ago, based on a song of John Dowland. It was a song that was really dear to me for a very long time because of some events in my life that I felt I could not ‘overcome’ for some reason. Even if it was only a part of myself that was identifying with it. I performed it several times. And then at some point stopped doing it, and even forgot about it.
Until a few weeks ago, I had to pick it up again in my singing-classes, very unexpectedly. And I noticed that after all those weeks here in the MasterKey, I could not relate anymore to it, and I struggled with having to sing it, and I did not understand why. Until this week, suddenly the veil dropped, and now I understand why I ‘had to’ sing it again: to show me that YESSS!!! I have evolved 😀 (funny detail: after so many years, and especially since the last few weeks and thanks to the inner work, my voice is ‘shifting’ –with me 😉 — and I sing it 3 tones higher …., yes frequencies are rising 😀 😀 )
Suddenly I saw that on a deeper level, the text is about the ego actually ‘blaming’ the universe for it’s misfortunes and despair, stating ‘how well it is behaving, doing everything it has to, and still ‘love’ (the universe) doesn’t answer (doesn’t give what ego wants)!!! Despair!!!! Complaints!!!’. Ego gives a twist to it and wants to save it’s ass by manipulating the perception of itself in it’s own eyes and those of the listener into superiority…. “I was more true to love than love to me”….. Ego can’t face it’s own inner un-willingness to truly look inside for the cause(s) of it’s own misfortune and by blaming ‘unfair’ love (the universe) manages to put itself ‘on top’ and as such declares itself as ‘the eternal, untouchable victim that truly is un-savable because it has been harmed SOOOOO much’, and will actually create drama after drama, and DWELLING into them, to prove it’s right in this conviction and attitude.
But in truth: “Love was more true to ‘me’ then ‘i’ to love”, by NOT giving ego what ego wanted, but what it really NEEDED: ‘failure’ and ‘rejection’ and so on over and over again, until finally I had dived in deep enough to get through and once on the other side of the door I see what it all really was: dramas to veil stubborn misconceptions and the equally stubborn refusal of responsibility.
And the biggest misconceptions were about what ‘love’ really is, and about the ‘roles’ — I made/make … — others play in my dramas.
Here’s the text, I’m sure you can dive in and search and reflect on all possible different levels, and I would be interested in reading your reply on how this (or a particular sentence or passage) resonates with you….
“If my complaints could passions move
or make love see where-in I suffer wrong.
My passions were enough to prove
that my despairs had governed me too long.
O love I live and die in thee;
thy grief in my deep sighs still speaks.
Thy wounds do freshly bleed in me.
My heart for thy unkindness breaks.
Yet thou doest hope when I despair
and when I hope thou mak’st me hope in vain.
Thou say’st thou canst my harms repair
yet for redress thou let’st me still complain.
Can love be rich and yet I want?
Is love my judge and yet am I condemned?
Thou plenty hast, yet me doest scant
Thou made a god, and yet thy power condemned?
That I do live it is thy power.
That I desire it is thy worth.
If love doth make men’s lives too sour
let me not love nor live henceforth.
Die shall my hopes but not my faith
that you, that of my fall shall hearers be,
may here despair which truly saith:
I was more true to love than love to me.”